So, I am not speaking that much this year for several reasons. Two of the biggest are that (1) I am sick of hearing myself talk (no comments from the peanut gallery, please) and (2) I am boycotting the Marketing Association Who Must Not Be Named.

One of the few speeches I am doing will be at the Marketing Profs B2B Forum on June 8 and 9 in Boston.

Click here now for more information.

When Susanne Sicilian (one of my dearest friends in this industry) asked me to do a game show at her conference, I immediately said “yes.” If I only knew what I was getting into…

Last night, I received FIVE e-mails and THREE frantic phone calls from some Nutter Butter chiquita. I have no idea how she got my private, 007 cell number but I am telling you now, the person who gave it to her will be pursued to the fullest extent of the law.

To make a long story short, the woman REALLY wanted to be a contestant. (Yes, I know. There are medications for that type of illness.) Not only did she really want to play the game, she wanted to pay me for the answers.

Yes, you read that correctly. The Fruit Loop was willing to give me money to have a sneak-peek at the solutions.

To prevent her imminent suicide or arrest (I am not sure which) if she was not selected, I called her back. (Hey, there aren’t a lot of ways to entertain yourself in the airport these days.)

“Why do you need the answers?” I asked. “You do realize that this is not the REAL Family Feud, right? There MAY BE some good prizes, but it’s not going to be cash or a car.”

“Oh, I know.” She said. “Can I come?”

“You’re not going to be on TV or the radio or in a newspaper.” I continued. “This is a marketing conference, not Jerry Springer.” (In retrospect, not the best example as there are many marketing conferences that make Springer look like Little House on the Prairie.)

“Yes, I get that. I am NOT crazy.” She insisted, enunciating carefully and speaking extra s-l-o-w-l-y to make sure that I understood. “It’s just that my boss loves you and it would be a very big thing for me to get a certificate to bring back and show him that I won your Game Show.”

For the love of all things holy, I can barely get together a PowerPoint, she honestly thought I was going to have awards? AS IF.

The truth is that I felt sorry for the girl. She may not have been crazy but she was certainly clueless.

“How about I look at your site and give you ten free minutes of advice?” I offered.

“Um….” She said hesitantly. I could tell she was holding out for a damn piece of paper that said YOU HAVE WON MARKETINGPROFS FAMILY FEUD. “Does that mean I’m not going to be a contestant?”

“Probably Not.” Perhaps if I did Are You Smarter Than A Preschooler? I thought.

“Er, ok.” She said. “Well thank you for calling me back.” She said.

“Would you like me to give you some free tips?” I said in the sweetest voice I could muster. (Some folks get louder when they talk to people who don’t speak English, I get nice when I talk to wackadoodles.)

“No, thanks but if you decide you need a contestant, please remember I will pay you to win.” She answered… and then abruptly hung up.

So, what’s the point of this silly story?

In this economy, you need to care about what matters. And winning a faux game show definitely isn’t it!

(Yes, I know… I didn’t have to tell YOU that.)

So what IS important?

From an analytics perspective, here are eight things that matter most –

1. AAUS (Average Active User Session, not to be confused with Average User Session)

2. Drills (if you can’t track drills, look at page views)

3. Exit pages

4. Referring URL’s

5. Keywords used to find you AND used in your internal search

6. CTS and DTS (clicks to sale and days to sale)

7. Abandonment rate (not just for shopping carts but for lead forms, catalog requests, e-mail sign-ups, etc.)

8. Conversion rate

Stay tuned for more…. And if you’re interested in being a contestant, please DM me on Twitter. (twitter.com/amyafrica) If you’re selected, I promise you won’t even need to pay me for the answers.