Marketing Schmarketing

I’m a sucker for 80s dance music. It reminds of the times I was hanging out with my friends and partying instead doing my homework, which is why Cornell’s Engineering School eventually asked me to take a “leave of absence.” That’s Ivy League speak for, “Get the hell out!” But I digress…

As I was saying, I’m a sucker for 80s dance music. So whenever I’m within earshot of a TV and I hear Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me,” I watch the Swiffer commercial. I can’t help but like that commercial. I even feel sorry for the mop that was dumped for the Swiffer.

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I’m too sexy for my PC — or at least I’d like to think I am. I recently bought a new PC for less than $1,500. I got a great deal and I’d like to leave it at that—but Microsoft won’t let me. Microsoft’s commercial says that not only did I get a great deal, but I’m also a PC.

I don’t wanna be a PC.

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Apparently the “c” in OTC stands for “Cheerios.” A recent article said that on May 5, the Food and Drug Administration gave General Mills Inc. a warning letter saying that the heart benefit claims on its Cheerios are “serious violations” of federal law.

The Cheerios website says that its “soluble fiber heart health claim has been FDA-approved for 12 years” and that the “lower your cholesterol” message has been on the box for over two years. The site adds that “the science is not in question.” What is in question is how Cheerios presents this information on the package and website. The company says it’s in dialog with the FDA. This situation is one that all marketers should follow because the article says that the FDA is showing signs of taking a more “aggressive stance” toward the companies it regulates.

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I sweat. A lot. In the summer, I sweat so much that I look like I just ran a marathon. (That’s if I was in shape to run a marathon, of course.) I sweat so much that if it wasn’t for my moustache, people would think that I was lactating. It gets embarrassing.

So, when I was in a movie theater on Saturday waiting for the movie to start, this commercial came on and grabbed my attention. The guy in the commercial isn’t just sweating—he’s got geysers under his armpits. It’s gross. He’s spraying everybody: other dancers at a club, his girlfriend, even his friend eating a sandwich.

I can relate to this commercial.

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Okay, I admit it: I watch “Project Runway.” Religiously. I watch the show’s finale with my wife with the same enthusiasm that I reserve for a Game 7 of the NBA Finals. Since the show’s second season, Alberto-Culver’s Tresemmé hair-care brand had been written into the show. So when I read that executives at Alberto-Culver decided not to stay with “Project Runway” as it struts from Bravo to the Lifetime cable channel, the first thing I thought was, “What in the world were they thinking?” Okay—that was the second thing I thought. The first thing I thought was, “What’s going to happen to the models’ hair?”

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My twin sister can’t stay in many hotels. That’s because she’s a dog. I’m not saying that hotels are discriminating against my ugly sibling. My sister is literally a dog. Thirteen years ago, my mother “adopted” a stray puppy and, since the puppy was born sometime in March, gave the puppy a birth date that just happened to be mine. So, I refer to her as my twin sister. I don’t mind sharing my birthday with Pup Pup Pollard (yes, that’s her name);it’s just that when my mother gave Pup Pup a birth date, she forgot that it was the day that I was born. (By the way, can anyone recommend a therapist?) To be fair, I can see how my mother made this mistake; Pup Pup (who is part Chow) and I both have purple tongues.

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